Dis Don't Make No Sense #2

Today it was raining cats and dogs...and frogs, elephants, turtles, pigs, horses...etc...
So why is it that as soon as I put on my rain gear, the sun comes out and when I take off my rain shields, the rains comes back. Its almost like the rain was spying on me and was continuously playing the "haha, gotcha" game. So this is my letter to the weather god, copied below:

Dearest Weather Gods:

Please give me back my wet dry clothes. Showering is fine, but that is only for inside the bathroom with...akem, warm water, s'il-vous plait. And please don't think that I am in any way shape or form amused by your little give. I surrender. I raise the white flag. So please, show some mercy.

Sincerely, victimized earth habitant.

-Luk

Dis Don't Make No Sense #1

Why do people always say the opposite of what they intend or mean...for instance:

"Does this dress make me look fat"
actually translates to...
"B****, tell me that I look better than you would in this dress"

..........................or...the classic example:
"I hate you" usually means "I love you but I just want you to say it first"

What is it with people always speaking in almost an enigmatic diction. I thought only sage old, long white bearded men who live in secluded mountains in straw huts can speak in riddle. It's just making more trouble out of nothing. I think there should be a specific google translator function to translate this. Or at least someone should cash in on this market...right?

If you want to get your point across, say directly and explicitly what you mean. Life is too short to waste time/energy/resources to translate these duplicitous phrases.

Along the same lines....why is Rebecca Black so popular and yet so hated on Youtube??? Yet another great paradox of the 21st century.  I tried to count how times she said fun in her song but I lost track half way through...I think anyone can sing about days of the week and have their voice autotune...why does she get all the attention. Even a kindergardener can do that. In fact, I am conspiring that she forced a child via illegal child labor to write a song for her. And all of her likes on her Youtube channel are from babies who clicked on the cool thumbs up button while their mothers were away from the computer. I hope Ms. Rebecca Black will one day feel the urge to switch careers and become a grade school teacher because she would be like the best teacher ever! LIKE OMG!!!!! She clearly knows her days of the week and can tell her left from her right (which I still can't...sometimes) so she's already half way there... I would totally trust her to educate my hypothetical child.

All You Need Is/Are

Today I opened Pandora Radio on my phone and quickmix played this song:

             "All you need is love, all you need is love,

All you need is love, love, love is all you need."

Its the all too familiar song "All You Need is Love" by none other than THE Beetles (stress on the THE). As my brain absorbs the song I begin ponder more deeply about its message. So... all that you really need is love right?

Actually, its wrong on several fronts and here is my argument.

1. To live, you also need money. Unless you sell your love on the open market, "love" itself does not generate any income. But selling love is prostitution and is illegal by US law. You will probably get arrested and fined probably more than you got paid. Also, if you do sell love in the open market in Nevada (on the assumption of without a "pimp"), where it is legal (apparently) you will be undoubtedly outcompeted by black markets in southern Asian countries such as Cambodia and Thailand. Let's face it: Asians out-compete everyone (take the Chinese for example). Thus selling love is not profitable nor is it legal in parts of the world that would read this blog.

2. To live for more than 3 days you need water. To live more than 30 days, you need food. If you only depend on "love", you will likely die of dehydration, starvation or all of the above. Now, its needless to say, of course you can eat your lover and drink their blood for water. But as Johnny Depp insightfully stated in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, "that is called cannibalistic, my dear children". Also, in order to drink your lovers' blood and eat their flesh, you will first need to kill them which is not only a social and legal taboo, but you will also, in the process, lose the "all you need" thing in life. Realistically, love is not food.

3. To live, one would need air to breathe. Now it is possible to extract all the oxygen and essential air components such as nitrogen and carbon dioxide out of your "lover"'s body but that process would take immense scientific research, investment and long FDA approval. By the time you find a machine that can do that, your will have likely suffocated to death due to lack of oxygen. To say the least, the process is like trying to make lead into gold (a tragic love story huh?).

So I urge you, Mr. THE Beetles, please think of a better message for your songs and please think before you mislead generations of your loyal listeners (including, I, myself). I mean, look at where we are today? I rest my case.

-Luk